Listen up folks, it’s time to think about your desires. How on earth are you supposed to find “the one” after all, if you don’t even have an idea of what they look like?
I’m not talking brown hair and blue eyes, or whether they drive a Mercedes or ride a bike — I’m talking about the kind of stuff that has the potential to make or break a connection and determine the mileage of your relationship in the long-run.
You’re not alone if you struggle to think up a list of these qualities off the top of your head, and you’re certainly not alone if you struggle even more in trying to narrow them down.
I mean, who doesn’t want a partner who’s funny, beautiful, financial stable, AND head over heels for you while they’re at it?! Not me…
But while the list of attractive characteristics could, quite plausibly, go on forever, there’s a need for a deeper sort of self-reflection. Namely, that is: if you were only allowed to choose a top 5 most essential qualities in a mate — what would they be?
Intimacy expert, youtuber, and certified sexologist Shannon Boodram has compiled a list of 24 qualities, inspired by the book, “The Science of Happily Ever After” by Ty Tashiro, in order to help us answer this question.
The objective of this activity is to separate the following traits into your top 12 and bottom 12, and then to rank each section numerically, so as to establish your categorically-essential Top 5, and your categorically-less-essential Bottom 5.
Important to note is that most, if not all, of the attributes featured on this list are going to be seed as good things to the vast majority of people. What’s crucial, however, is the understanding of exactly which of these good things you need in a relationship — and which of them you can, more or less, go without.
Personally, I found completing the ranking of this list extremely hard. But the result was that I gained a much more detailed perspective on what it is I need to be happiest in love. If an acute awareness of these things saves me even a minute of what would otherwise be a waste of my time in the future, then I’m going to go ahead and say that it’s worth it.
Let the ranking begin (and if you’re doing this with a friend, make sure not to let their answers influence yours!):
- Speaks my apology language
- Shared politics/outlook on life
- Emotionally stable
- Securely attached
- Likes to do new things
- Supportive/ happy for my good news
- Physically attractive
- Takes responsibility for self
- Enjoys working together
- Good sense of humour
- Follows directions
- Has similar interests
- Similar values
- Speaks my love language
- Strong life skills
- Good parenting skills
- Allows others to take the lead
- Sexually compatible
- Financially independent
- Strong leadership skills
Alexandra Walker-Jones — June 2021